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Archive for December, 2011

Surrender – my new word keeping me sane.  Surrender to God’s will.  Surrender to what’s going on around me as I cannot change it.  Surrender to the joys and sorrows of life.  When things get difficult, when things get stressful, when I think I can handle no more – surrender.  I repeat it over and over.  Surrender.   Surrender.  And I feel more at peace. I’m not sure if things have just gotten a little easier or if I’m just handling things better.

Mom, up until last weekend, was doing fantastic.  Then the set back.  The hallucinations, the confusion, the cloudy eyes – they are back.  I spoke with mom’s doctor who suggested that perhaps she had some type of infection.  An infection, even a slight one, can cause a sudden change in a dementia patient.  Tests were run and it was determined that she had a slight bladder infection and she was put on an antibiotic.  I breathed a sigh of relief that this set back could have been caused by a slight infection rather than the dreaded downward spiral of her mental state.   That soon changed with a phone call from the doctor’s office the next day saying that after further testing they had determined that the infection was not severe enough to warrant the antibiotics and to stop giving it to her.  Her mental state has continued to deteriorate as she sinks deeper into the land of confusion.  Surrender!

And Uncle C had been doing well, getting stronger, feeling good until a few days before Christmas when he pushed the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” button at 5:00 in the morning and we rushed in to find him shaking uncontrollably and short of breath.  An ambulance was called and he was admitted into the hospital with pneumonia again.  Surrender!

Our plans Christmas Eve was to attend Mass and then a family gathering at my sister’s house.  Confident that Uncle C was feeling better and well cared for in the hospital Christmas Eve, we said our good-byes for the night and left for Mass only to find messages on our phones after leaving church that Uncle C was being released and we needed to pick him up.  All I could do was look towards the heavens and chuckle, laughing at how God had once again replaced my plans with His.  Surrender!

I survived the holidays and although it was not without strife, not with stress, I am happy to say that it was filled with much joy, family and love and for that I am thankful.

I will continue to remind myself to surrender to His will, surrender to His plan.  Surrender to where my life is now and where it is going.  My hope for 2012 is that I can once again see the good in life, enjoy everything and everyone around me and … surrender.

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It is great to feel loved and I have been one of the lucky ones who has always, always been surrounded by love.  But the look in my mother’s eyes when she looks at me now is different from before.  I’m not talking about the dementia eyes, those have faded.  Oh, I know she has always loved and supported me and I’m thankful for that.  But I see something different now, a softening in her eyes when she looks at me, love in her eyes and it warms my heart.  I know she waits for my daily visits, looks forward to it.  And when I arrive I am rewarded with a little smile and those eyes, “There’s Pomp!”, she says.  Pomp has become her nickname for me because she always knows when I arrive by the “pomp” sound the horn of my car makes as I lock the doors.  Funny, huh?  I feel so blessed.  And those loving eyes follow me as I move – I see them, I feel them.  When she is at my house she sticks close to me.  If I am out of her sight for a few minutes she will come and find me and her eyes watch me, follow me, love me.  I want to remember those eyes forever, the way they look at me with such love, before the dementia eyes return and become dead again.  Those loving eyes give me joy and peace and I treasure that.

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